You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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