I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
