Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
