I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
