The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
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