Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
