In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
