i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
