um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Randomize