No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
