Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
