It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
