you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
