ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
