So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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