I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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