Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
