im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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