Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
