I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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