Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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