I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
