i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
