Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
