You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
