My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
