i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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