Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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