Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
