There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
