Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
we made out on top of his cat.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
