id be glad to
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize