YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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