Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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