fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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