no, he came in my armpit
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
