So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
