he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
