I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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