Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
