we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
