i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
