Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
