You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
