I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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