A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
