I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
