i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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