Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
