I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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