My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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