woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize