so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
