Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
