nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
