life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
