from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
