Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
