If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
