You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
