don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
