Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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