so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize