I'm jealous of your bromance
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
