I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
