ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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