We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
