Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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