The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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