I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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