Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
